Starting fresh

As you can see its been a while since I posted. My last post was during a melt down. Don't look at me like that, you KNOW you've had one or two yourself. I've since started on some new meds. They didn't fix it all, but they give me the will and want to fix it all. I've really been evaluating what about myself I am not happy with and the one thing that always comes to mind first is my weight. Tonight I decided to really look at myself and see what I have and haven't going on so I can accept myself and what my current situation is. The truth is I don't FEEL like a fat person. Sure I have to buy the bigger clothes, I wear out faster than I should, I have a horrible back. I feel all that. But I've really been in denial about the actual physical fat. People tell me, "oh you aren't fat, you're tall so you carry it well." they are being nice. They can't help it. It doesn't matter how tall I am. You can't "carry" obese body fat "well". This evening before I got in the shower I looked at myself in mirror and studied my body. Don't worry, won't be getting too graphic here. I will say I had more asses than I thought I did. What occurred to me is my reaction to how I looked wasn't what I expected. I thought I'd get all self hateful or start crying. But my first thought was, well I guess I have some serious work to do. I think a while back I decided that I was just going to be a fat person and figured I'd better get okay with it. But that's bullshit. That's the kind if thing you say when you've given up. I'm only 33 years old. I have no one to currently worry about except myself unless you count Sherlock. I am an adult woman who should be able to handle taking care of one person. So here's the deal. I have to look at this like any addiction. One day at a time. I will succeed. It won't be a straight path but it will head in the right direction. I've lost about 6 lbs in the last two weeks. My current goal is to lose 3 more by Christmas. Totally doable. That will get me to 290. Then I will set a new goal. Little steps. I'm worth it!

this too shall pass...

It's been a little while since I last posted.  There a couple of reasons for that.  For starters I've been really really busy with the Village Players.  I some how found myself agreeing to being Production Manager for a summer show I had originally said I wouldn't be involved in because I needed the break.  I just hate seeing something struggling.  The last thing I want is for our theatre group to have a failure and after no one showed up for the first auditions I was quite frightened that that was exactly what it was going to become.  We have only about 10 days left, so I will hopefully get my break soon. 

I've also been busier at work.  I was moved from one branch to another back in December and I have gotten swamped.  There are still some days where I am caught up with my work, but I spend that time trying to figure out train some of the newer employees, how to make learning the new system easier since no one bothered to update our guides when they completely changed the program we use.  I am not entirely happy in my job right now.  That doesn't mean I'm planning my escape quite yet, but it does mean my days feel much much longer and tiring.  Before I was moved from the previous branch, I was working with a really good friend, someone who helped bring brightness into myself and help me at my best.  She challenged me, expected more of me than others because she knew I was capable of it.  I really miss that.  I'm not saying I don't work with lovely people.  I enjoy having conversations with the ladies I work with now.  I just don't feel that "growth" I had before.  I also don't feel like my current supervisors have the same amount of confidence in me.  At first I figured they just needed to get to know me and see what I was capable of, but now that time has passed, I'm not sure they are paying attention.  Or maybe I've not been the same.  I think I give it my all, but maybe I'm not. 

For those of you who have known me for years it is probably starting to become evident to you the last and probably most vital reason I haven't blogged lately.  I have entered quite a grand depression.  I've had a history of this ever since I hit puberty.  My poor parents, when I was a teenager, couldn't for the life of them figure out why I was so moody sometime.  I was raised in a good family, I had everything I needed in things, a place to live comfortably, people to rely on.  I know a part of it is a chemical thing, but it's also my surroundings.  If I have enough stressing me out it comes and it comes big. 

When I lived in Texas I dealt with my depression with food, smoking, playing video games, sleeping a lot during the day.  When I left Texas to move to Arkansas I was twice the size I was when I graduated from highschool.  After living in Arkansas for a while, I went to my doctor and ask to be put on medication.  First she put me on Zoloft.  Doctors are never quite sure what meds to start you on first for depression, they all effect different chemicals in your brain and they don't really have a good way of knowing which ones need to be messed with.  Zoloft for me was like the devils pills.  I very very quickly turned into this crazy person that would scream and cry for no reason and I even began abusing myself.  The climax of that medication happened on a trip to San Antonio with my brother and his wife.  We were going to help celebrate my grandmother's birthday.  On the way there I was so out of it I spent about 20 minutes in a bathroom at a restaurant while my family waited out in the car.  While in there slammed myself repeatedly into the walls till I hurt everywhere outside and could no longer feel on the inside.  That might seem crazy, and it is, but it was the medication.  Mess with the wrong chemicals in your brain and it can make you far far worse.  When I got home from that trip I called my doctor and she told me to immediately stop taking the medication.  Within a week I was back to normal again.  She wanted to start me on something else in a month or so but it took me about 2 years to get the courage up to actually try something else.  What if I hadn't been smart enough to realize there was something seriously wrong with me and that I needed to get off those meds?  What if the next medication caused me to do the unspeakable.  It took me a long time to be willing risk that.  Finally when I was ready she put me on something else and it worked quite well.  I had a lot more energy. I started taking better care of myself.  I started the Nutrisystem and lost 80 lbs.  I was jogging.  I got involved in the Village Players because I was more comfortable with my body and felt like I wanted to start singing in front of people again.  I stayed on that medication for a good amount of time until my doctor suggested it might be time i ween myself off.  Things continued to go quite well after that.  I started entering back into the dating world that I hadn't been much of a part of in a while.  I enjoyed buying clothes I thought I looked nice in.  I went out with friends more.  Ever since I went off the meds, I have only had the occasional day a month where I might be a little down.  Typically that was the day before my monthly cycle, so no shocker there.  And even on those days it wouldn't be the whole day, just a few moment here or there.  I don't know what's different about this time.  At first I thought it was the same, just a day of gloomy and I'd be up and ready to go the next day.  Next day came and I was still down.  etc etc.  Now its been about two months. There have been a couple of not so happy things that have happened in that time, but I'm not sure they are involved.  Someone I am really close to has been going through I really tough time and I've been worrying about him a lot lately.  I have another friend that has a child that is really sick and I've been thinking about them a lot.  I've even tried doing little things to boost my mood like going to Joplin and spending a day with the pups, but driving through the destruction just destroyed any job I really got out of helping.  I don't think a day has gone by in at least 2 weeks that I haven't just suddenly started crying.  I for the most part keep it under wraps during the day when I'm around people.  But it has to be showing by now.  I'm hoping my blogging about it will help me figure out a way to move on. I also know keeping it to myself just hasn't helped any.  I know there are people that care about me and how I am doing and would want to know what's going on.  I know this will pass.  I know there's an end to my state.  I am not hopeless or anything like that.  Just worn out.  Really really tired.  I feel like I could lay down stay in bed for weeks, not that that would be helpful of course.  Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow, I'll have a boost of energy and things will be better.  I have considered going back to my doctor again, but a part of me would like to conquer this once and for all without the help of drugs.  I hate relying on that.

bet you'd just love to see me dancing to prince...

I am a huge music fan.  I'm always telling people, I listening to everything.... but polka.  Can't get with the polka, sorry.  But I really do listening to the rest, country, pop, electronic, alternative, rap, showtunes, opera, classical, easy listening, folk, rock, dance, punk, ska, blue grass, acustic, big band, blues, jazz, foreign, rockabilly, disco, indie, reggae, funk.... and I really don't have a favorite.  Sometimes it's all based on my mood.  Music has a way of lifting you up when you are really down, and it has a way of calming you when you are stressed.  It reminds of certain times, certain places, and certain people.  I thought I'd share with you some of the songs that hold high meaning for me.

Eight Days a Week - When I was in highschool I often picked up a couple of friends on my way to school and being a really small town, the traffic is a bit predictable.  During our senior year we listened to the same cd that I had mixed myself, you remember mixed cds, and the last song we heard every day we drove to school was the Beatles "Eight Days a Week".  Whatever we were gabbing about, once that song came on, we stopped and sang along at the top of our lungs.  Every time I hear that song I remember Shannon and Lezlie and driving in the car.  We had so much fun when we were young!  I we weren't bad singers, well Shannon and I weren't anyways, sorry Lezlie :)

On Eagle's Wings  - I was raised in a Catholic church because my Mom was Catholic and her Mom was Catholic.  I've waivered back and forth a bit with my religion, something I think most young people do.  The Catholic Church though has always just been the one I'm most comfortable in.  I know when to stand and sit and kneel and what the different elements of the mass are about, that helps.  I also am familiar with the music that is typically sung in the Catholic church.  But I think the biggest reason I am comfy in the Catholic church is because when I'm there, I feel like my Mom is there.  She has always been guide spiritually since I was little.  She taught me about charity, not judging people, being selfless.  I know one of her favorite songs is "On Eagle's Wings".  Now it's not the most cheerful song, but its beautiful and every time I hear I think of her.

My Girl  - Okay, so I told you what reminds me of my Mom, so now I have to tell you what reminds me of Dad.  When I was young dad listening to two things.  Motown and Honky Tonk.  Pretty much anything that fits in either category reminds me of Dad.  I LOVES his Conway Twitty.  The song that probably reminds me the most of him though is the Temptations "My Girl".  I have a memory, possibly one of my earliest at this point, of being really really small.  Possibly two or three.  Holding my dads hands, in the middle of the living room, bouncing and round, dancing to my girl on the hi-fi.  If I was ever to find the right guy and get married, it would be the song I'd want to dance with my Dad.

Bat Dance and Revolutionary Kind - Well of course I can't forget the last member of my immediate family, and certainly the one that knows me the best.  My Brother and I were good friends even when we were young kids.  We would fight like cats and dogs and as soon as Mom had enough and separated us, we'd be in our closets that shared a wall, try to communicate through the wall.  I remember when the movie Batman came out and we became obsessed with Prince's song Bat Dance.  In our garage with a tape player, Nathan owned the single, we'd dance to it.  Nathan was quite the dancer, me not so much, but boy did we have a hilarious time.  There are many songs that remind me of my brother because he's a bit of a musical expert.  He's introduced so many bands to me that I probably otherwise wouldn't have heard of including what has been for the last 5 years my absolutely favorite band Gomez.  What's that you say?  I know, I know.  The very first album he introduced me to of theirs was Liquid Skin and every time I hear "Revolutionary Kind" I think I have Nathan, its one of my favorites and the singer is his doppelganger.  No really.  See below.

  

Wig in a Box - Everyone probably has a mantra song.  Something that peps them up and gives them confidence and focus.  "Wig in a Box" is actually a song sung by a man who dresses as a woman and is celebrating his "womanhood".  For me the song just pumps me.  The phrase "I am woman, hear me roar" comes to mind.  It's overall empowering.  When I need some motivation I crank it up and shout along.  If you haven't seen Hedwig and the Angry Inch, I highly recommended it. 

Oh?  You were expecting a video of me dancing to Prince?  Well, better luck next time! ;)

one of my personal escapes

I have enjoyed reading ever since I was little and my mom handed down to me her Nancy Drew books.  I read a somewhat diversion selection of books, mostly fiction, but everything from fantasy, love, comedy, dark, suspenseful.  I love it all.  I wanted to share some of my favorite writing with everyone.  Maybe you will see what I love about language and expression. 

My absolutely favorite author is Stephen King.  He's the master of description.  I particularly like his short stories.  There is something really different with short stories.  Because you have such a lack of time, you spend less of it creating a back story and an ending and just get right to the meat of whatever you are telling.  But my favorite Stephen King book isn't a short story.  Misery is about a writer, Paul, who has a car accident and finds himself taken hostage by his "number one fan", Nurse Annie.  In the beginning of the book, Paul has been in his car accident, and is having trouble breathing.  Someone comes along to help him.

"Then there was a mouth clamped over his, a mouth which was unmistakably a woman's mouth in spite of its hard spitless lips, and the wind from this woman's mouth blew into his own mouth and down his throat, puffing his lungs, and when the lips were pulled back he smelled his warder for the first time, smelled her on the outhrush of the breath she had forced into him the way a man might force a part of himself into an unwilling woman, a dreadful mixed stench of vanilla cookies and chocolate ice cream and chicken gravy and peanut-butter fudge.  He heard a voice screaming, 'Breathe, goddammit! Breathe, Paul!'  The lips clamped down again.  The breath drew down his throat again.  Blew down it like the dank suck of wind which follows a fast subway train, pulling sheets of newspaper and candy-wrappers after it, and the lips were withdrawn, and he thought For Christ's sake don't let any of it out through your nose but he couldn't help it and oh that stink, that stink, that fucking STINK. 'Breathe, goddam you!' the unseen voice shrieked, and he thought I will, anything, please just don't do that anymore, don't infect me anymore, and he tried, but before he could really get started her lips were clamped over his again, lips as dry and dead as strips of salted leather, and she raped him full of her air again.  When she took her lips away this time he did not let her breath out but pushed it and whooped in a gigantic breath of his own.  Shoved it out.  Waited for his unseen chest to go up again on its own, as it had been doing his whole life without any help from him.  When it didn't, he gave another giant whooping gasp, and then he was breathing again on his own, and doing it as fast as he could to flush the smell and taste of her out of him.  Normal air had never tasted so fine."

The dilemma of facing death vs facing that horrid breath is priceless.  I can just imagine it.  I really love King's harsh and honest description.  Okay, back to short stories.  I own a small collection of books called "The Best American Short Stories".   It's an annual collection of some of the best short stories written that year.  They are wonderful to read before going to bed at night.  I can usually read one story in less than an hour.  It's also a great chance to get to know artists I haven't read before.  There's a short story by Peter Ho Davies called "The Ugliest House in the World".  It is actually lots of mini stories that make up one short story, about a welsh doctor and his hometown.

"100 yards is a sign on the road just before you reach my father's village.  The story of the ugliest house is that there was once a law in Wales that if you could build a house in a day and sleep a night in it, an acre of land around it was yours.  The house had to be stone just to make things a little harder.  That's why the ugliest house is so ugly.  It's little more than eight feet high, with higgledy-piggledy walls of granite and slate.  The walls were originally dry stone, which means they were built without cement.  Stones were just balanced one upon the other, with smaller rocks wedged between them to stop them rocking.
Six years ago, Mr. Watkins, the farmer who owns the ugliest house, decided to open it to the public in the hope that he could make some money from tourist.  The name came from his daughter, Kate.  She called it that when she was a little girl.....Farmer Watkins hoped that the ugliest house would provide an income for Kate when she came back from Liverpool, pregnant at the age of sixteen.  She learned the plaque off by heart and sat at the door with her child for a whole summer to charge admission, but the takings from that first season weren't even enough to pay for the roof.  The farmer made one last attempt to have HOME OF THE UGLIEST HOUSE IN THE WORLD added to the name signs at either end of the village, but the council refused to even put it to a vote.  Mr. Watkins stood up in the meeting and shouted 'Fascists! Communists! Tin-pot dictators!' But the leader of the council shouted him down: 'This meeting does not have time for frivolous notions and will eject any time-wasters from these proceedings.  Sit down, Arwyn, you bloody idiot.'"

The entire story is a joy to read.  I highly recommend checking it out.  One of the earliest books I remember reading and just obsessing over was "A Wrinkle in Time" by Madeleine L'Engle.  I believe it was my first true taste of sci-fiction.  

"The trees were lashed into a violent frenzy.  Meg screamed and clutched at Calvin, and Mrs. Which's authoritative voice called out "Qquiett chilldd!"  Did a shadow fall across the moon or did the moon simply go out, extinguished as abruptly and completely as a candle?  There was still the sound of leaves, a terrified, terrifying rushing.  All light was gone.  Darkness was complete.  Suddenly the wind was gone, and all sound.  Meg felt that Calvin was being torn from her.  When she reached for him her fingers touched nothing.  She screamed out, "Charles!"  and whether it was to help him or for him to help her, she did not know.  The word was flung back down her throat and she choked on it.  She was completely alone.  She had lost the protection of Calvin's hand.  Charles was nowhere, either to save or to turn to.  She was alone in a fragment of nothingness.  No light, no sound, no feeling.  Where was her body?  She tried to move in her panic, but there was nothing to move.  Just as light and sound had vanished, she was gone, too.  The corporeal Meg simply was not. Then she felt her limbs again.  Her legs and arms were tingling faintly, as though they had been asleep.  She blinked her eyes rapidly, but though she herself was somehow back, nothing else was.  It was not as simple as darkness, or absence of light.  Darkness has a tangible quality; it can be moved through and felt; in darkness you can bark your shins; the world of things still exists around you.  She was lost in a horrifying void."

After reading that, I was hooked.  I loved reading about fictional worlds and unnatural events.  To this day I think that is my favorite genre.  The feel of the book actually reminded me a lot of the most recent triology  of books I've read "The Hunter Games" series by Suzanne Collins.  Both have a bit of a futuristic feel to them.  Both feature a place that is void of feeling and life.  

Last but certainly not least, another thing I've always enjoyed, is reading poetry.  Poetry has never been very popular, which in some ways surprises me.  Reading poetry isn't all that different from listening to music.  Here is a snipet of one of my favorite poems by Emily Dickinson.

"During my education,
It was announced to me
That gravitation, stumbling,
Fell from an apple tree!

The earth upon an axis
Was once supposed to turn,
By way of a gymnastic
In honor of the sun!

It was the brave Columbus,
A sailing o'er the tide,
Who notified the nations
Of where I would reside!

Mortality is fatal --
Gentility is fine,
Rascality, heroic,
Insolvency, sublime!

Our Fathers being weary,
Laid down on Bunker Hill;
And tho' full many a morning,
Yet they are sleeping still, --

The trumpet, sir, shall wake them,
In dreams I see them rise,
Each with a solemn musket
A marching to the skies!"

comedy and tragedy? or both?

Lately I have been really bothered about something.  I've been really disappointed in just people in general.  Not necessarily specific people, but just the Nation as a whole.  What they find funny.  What they find exceptable.  For example.  Why do they not hold celebrities up to the same standards they hold everyone else.  If I had a friend and I found out he or she beat their significant other to the point that they were unrecognizable, unless I felt I could in some way help this person in some way, I'd probably consider not being their friend any more.  If they were strung out on cocaine, and not making any sense, and possibly acting dangerously, I would stay away from them.  So, if a singer, say, beats the crap out of his girlfriend, why would I still buy his cd?  If an actor, who has been said to be repeatedly abusive toward women, goes nuts and says he's "winning" because he can "handle his cocaine socially", why would I continue to watch his tv show?  If a drug addict actress feels she's above the law, drives without a license while under the influence, steals from people and doesn't seem to even give a shit that she's been caught, why would I go see her movie?  I realize that they are a lot of celebrities out there that have done some bad things in their past and I am probably not aware of it.  I couldn't possibly check out every single movie I see and make sure know one has done anything wrong.  I know its unrealistic to close myself off from all forms of entertainment that might tainted, because lets face it, that's just about everything these days.  However, it sometimes seems people don't even CARE if bad things are happening, they just want to be entertained and be fans of these people.

Another thing that has recently bothered me.  What people find funny.  Someone forwarded me an email this week that was a bunch of "funny" pictures of people at Walmart.  Basically making fun of people and what they wear and how they look.  Most of the pictures were of fat people.  Sure sometimes they were wearing something that might be considered by most as too small for them.  But some of them were just comfy clothes.  Why is it funny to laugh at someone because they have trouble controlling their weight?  Why is it funny to make fun of someone because they have bad teeth or are just generally unattractive.  I'd hate to think that someone forwarded that email to one of the people in it.  I would be horrified to find my picture among them.  And its not entirely impossible.  I've gone to Walmart in the middle of the night in my pjs.  Walmart's always been that place where people just wear what they are wearing.  They are comfy.  They could be in the middle of doing their laundry and wearing something they'd otherwise avoid, and Walmart's the one place they'd go and not care.  Also, today there was an article about Richard Simmons commenting on George Lopez making fat jokes about Kirstie Alley.  Personally I think Kirstie Alley is a grown woman and has heard plenty in her life about her weight and has probably figured out people are just idiots and to not let it bother her.  She probably doesn't need Richard Simmons backing her up.  But I read some of the comments that were made about the article by cnn.com readers.  Here is a sampling:

" Kirstie Alley is not fat, but she shows up on my GPS as a navigation hazard."
"If a fat joke hurts your feelings, lose weight. If you cannot lose weight."
"Being fat is a choice, being ugly is not. it's not nice to laugh at ugly people, but by all means do make fun of fat people, cause that was their choice"

I understand, a lot of people ARE fat because they don't give a care, but while I'm not morbidly obese, I'm overweight and can tell you, its not because I don't care.  It has a lot to do with the fact that I easily get depressed, I easily get unmotivated, and I also have crappy genes (no offense mom and dad, love you, but you're families are covered in diabetics)  There are just a lot of insensitive people out there.

Okay, another article I read was about Lea Michele from Glee walking away after being hit by a car.  I'm guessing a minor hit, not really big news.  However, in the comments:

"She's Jewish. You think she is going to have a hard time finding a good lawyer? "
"wish she wouldve taken one for the earth and gotten injured to end Glee. "

Seriously people?  Have sucken so low as to have to randomly point out a person's religion any time there's an article about her?  How is her religion relevant???  And wishing someone dead.  That's swell.  When a driver cuts me off on the road and pisses me off, I don't even have the heart to wish that they have an accident, I just wish a bird poops on their windshield.  How would this person feel if she died after they made the comment, would they also find that funny?

I know I'm probably being too sensitive.  People have always had bad taste in humor.  I know I've found things that are distasteful funny before.  Heck, I passed on a joke about Charlie Sheen just a couple of weeks ago.  "How many drugs did Charlie Sheen take.  Enough to kill two and half men."  I still find it clever, but there may be someone out there that says that's insensitive to people with drug problems.  Perhaps its seeing so much of it in such a short period of time that I've noticed the tackiness of people.  I was a fan of George Carlin before he died and he did nothing but point out politically incorrect, distasteful humor.  I probably just need to get over myself, its just been on my radar and in my mind a lot lately. 

what if there WAS an Adjustment Bureau.

This afternoon I went to see "The Adjustment Bureau".  It was probably one of the most enjoyable movies I've seen in quite a while and I just went through the 2010 Oscar season.  It was really well written.  Very interesting concept.  The special effects were simple, but effective.  The acting was great.  The story is a man, on the road to becoming a very successful politcian, due to chance, meets a girl that will make him veer off his path.  In comes "The Adjustment Bureau", a group of men who try to make changes to this man's world to get him back on track.  Big snag, he accidentally walks in on them doing their thing and discovers what he thought was his own freewill isn't at all free.  I won't go any further in the plot because this movie is so worth watching, I don't want to ruin it.  However, it does pose some interesting questions about freewill and destiny.  The one that stuck out to me the most.  If you could see what the consequences to your actions were before you chose, would you make a different choice, specifically when choosing your mate. 

Lets say you met your significant other.  They are everything you suddenly want.  They are companion, lover, and comfort.  Then someone told you, okay, you have a choice.  You can spend the rest of your life with this person, be perfectly content in the life you create together, and have the security of a wonderful partner.  OR, you can forget you ever met this person and be successful at your biggest dreams.  Which you prefer?  Contentment with someone, or an extraordinary existence alone.  If you knew your mate would hold you back from your dreams, or you would hold your mate back from theirs, would you leave them.  It's a tough question.  Ideallly your "perfect mate" would help you achieve your dreams, and better you.  But that's not necessarily realistic.  Sometimes, finding the "right person" makes you happy with what you have and you don't push as hard to achieve greatness.  I know lots of people that went to school thinking they would be this or that, and ended up meeting someone they love and became a smaller version of what they pictured.  Some of them are perfectly happy with their choice, some of them aren't.  Of course, they may not of reached that original goal anyways.  In fact, they might not have been AS successful without meeting their spouse.  Something we in reality would never really know.  I'm thankful we do not know the consequences to our actions before we make them.  I'm grateful I can just live my life and see what happens.  If such a "Adjustment Bureau" really exists, I think I'm perfectly happy being unaware of the fact. 

I've made several big decisions in my life that completely altered my future.  What if I had taken the scholarship to Rolla and graduated as an engineer?  What if I hadn't left Oklahoma when I did and stayed with the guy I was seeing?  What if I hadn't gone to work at Blockbuster in Texas, but instead taken the job at the University Bookstore?  What if I had made different friends?  What if I hadn't decided to move to Arkansas to be closer to my brother again? 

All I know is if I hadn't done those things, I wouldn't have just been on stage singing in front of a bunch of friends to 1950s music.  I wouldn't have met when of my best friend's and mentor Maureen who has helped me discover who I am and helped me gain back some of the self esteem I lost when I was young.  I probably wouldn't see my brother, who is really my best friend, as much as I do.  I wouldn't have gotten to know my sister-in-law Kristi as well as I do and found a sister in her.  I might not be as close to my parents as I am today.  I might not be the confident, independent, opinionated woman I am today.  And hopefully the path I've taken thus far will someday introduce me to the man I will spend the rest of my life with. 

If you have a free afternoon, consider seeing The Adjustment Bureau.  It is well worth it.

The Adjustment Bureau on imdb.

the sound of music. now appearing on Wednesday nights.

After finishing up The Taffetas I've got the Musical Bug, so I've decided to start a new tradition for a while.  Wednesday night will from here, until further notice, be Musical night.  I have "Singing in the Rain" on its way via netflix.  I actually have a goal in mind.  I'm looking for a musical that my theatre group can put on in the next couple of years.  If you have any suggestions, something you'd like to see, something you've always loved please comment.  If anyone is every bored on Wednesday night and likes musicals they are more than welcome to come over to join me. 

My favortie musical of all time is probably Oklahoma.  Being from the state definitely doesn't hurt.  I was exposed to this play/movie from a pretty early age.  But I also just love Rodges and Hammerstein.  They write so beautifully together.  I am also a really big fan of Meet Me in St. Louis.  It's become a habit of mine to watch it before Christmas every year.  I like the idea of falling in love with a guy while riding a tram, just seeing him.  Not particulary realistic, but awfully fun.  When I was a little girl, any time I was at home sick or stuck inside because it was nasty out I watched two movies, over and over again.  The first was Parent Trap, a disney movie (and of course I am talking about Haley Mills, not the copycat with Lindsey Lohan) and Annie.  I wanted to be Annie when I was a kid.  I thought she was just the greatest thing every.  Of course now that I'm older, I'm probably closer to Mrs. Hannigan. 

and the winner will be (or should be)...

This has been a really busy last couple of months.  It's hard to believe the Oscars are tomorrow night!  This is the first movie season where I really didn't focus much attention on what was going on.  I have however seen most of the movies on the list and have my opinion of who will win and who SHOULD win.  Below is my ballot, feel free to copy and paste this to share your thoughts or your own ballot.

WW = Will Win
SW = Should Win
HS = I haven't seen the movie

Best Picture
"127 Hours"  (HS)
"The Social Network"
"Toy Story 3"
"True Grit"
"Winter’s Bone"
"Black Swan" (SW)
"The Fighter" (HS)
"Inception"
"The Kids Are All Right"
"The King’s Speech" (WW)


Leading Actor

Javier Bardem in "Biutiful"   (HS)
Jeff Bridges in "True Grit"   (HS)
Jesse Eisenberg in "The Social Network"
Colin Firth in "The King’s Speech"   (WW)(SW)
James Franco in "127 Hours"  (HS)

Leading Actress

Annette Bening in "The Kids Are All Right"
Nicole Kidman in "Rabbit Hole"  (HS)
Jennifer Lawrence in "Winter’s Bone"
Natalie Portman in "Black Swan" (WW) (SW)
Michelle Williams in "Blue Valentine" (HS)

Supporting Actor

Christian Bale in "The Fighter"  (HS) (WW)
John Hawkes in "Winter’s Bone"
Jeremy Renner in "The Town"
Mark Ruffalo in "The Kids Are All Right"
Geoffrey Rush in "The King’s Speech" (SW)

Supporting Actress

Amy Adams in "The Fighter"  (HS)
Helena Bonham Carter in "The King’s Speech" (SW)
Melissa Leo in "The Fighter" (HS)  (WW)
Hailee Steinfeld in "True Grit"
Jacki Weaver in "Animal Kingdom"  (HS)

Animated Feature
"How to Train Your Dragon" (HS)
"The Illusionist" (HS)
"Toy Story 3" (WW) (SW)

Art Direction

"Alice in Wonderland"
" Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1"
"Inception" (WW) (SW)
"The King’s Speech"
"True Grit"

Cinematography

"Black Swan"
"Inception" (WW)
"The King’s Speech"
"The Social Network"
"True Grit" (SW)

Costume Design

"Alice in Wonderland"
"I Am Love"   (HS)
"The King’s Speech"  (WW) (SW) 
"The Tempest" (HS)
"True Grit"

Directing

"Black Swan" (SW)
"The Fighter"
"The King’s Speech"
"The Social Network"
"True Grit" (WW)

Film Editing

"Black Swan" (SW)
"The Fighter" (HS)
"The King’s Speech" (WW)
"127 Hours" (HS)
"The Social Network"

Sound Editing

"Inception" (SW)
"Toy Story 3"
"Tron: Legacy" (HS)
"True Grit" (WW)
"Unstoppable" (HS)

Sound Mixing

"Inception"
"The King’s Speech" (SW)
"Salt" (HS)
"The Social Network"
"True Grit" (WW)

Visual Effects

"Alice in Wonderland"
" Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1"
"Hereafter" (HS)
"Inception" (WW) (SW)
"Iron Man 2" (HS)

Adapted Screenplay

"127 Hours"  (HS)
"The Social Network" (SW)
"Toy Story 3"
"True Grit" (WW)
"Winter’s Bone"

Original Screenplay

"Another Year" (HS)
"The Fighter" (HS)
"Inception"
"The Kids Are All Right" (WW)
"The King’s Speech" (SW)

The following categories, I either haven't seen any of the nominees, or I just have less interest in them.  But for the sake of seeing if I can guess right, here are my guessing at who will win.

Foreign Language - Biutiful

Makeup - The Wolfman

Original Score - Inception

Original Song - We Belong Together from "Toy Story 3"

Animated Short Film - The Gruffalo

Live Action Short Film - Wish 143

Documentary Feature - Inside Job

Documentary Short - Sun Comes Up

just two more weeks to go.

I left the windows open in the living room last night.  It's been so gorgeous out, I wanted to bring that inside.  And of course also give me apartment a chance to breathe a little.  I woke up this morning to the sound of birds chirping and a slight breeze.  I know it's not officially spring yet, but it sure feels like it.  I love this time of year.  There's something very calming about the sounds of spring.  And of course, being Sunday morning it's not being interupted with the sounds of traffic.  Makes me want to crawl out of bed early and take a walk around the block.  I definitely needed this.  The last couple of weeks have been absolutely crazy.  Rehearsals have been in full bloom, now that the snow and ice is finally off the streets.  I am really enjoying them, but they can also being a bit tiring.  You try to psych yourself up and get energized so that you can give your performance all the liveliness it deserves till 8:30 and then you come home and expect to go to sleep at a reasonable hour.  Not easy to do.  And I've been having to get up early lately, being scheduled for the earlier shifts.  And then there's work, which I'm not going to get to into.  But I'm definitely tired.  All around.  I am really looking forward to March 1st.  I am taking vacation from the 1st to the 7th to focus my attention on the play.  I'll be able to rehearse late, sleep in a little, focus my thoughts on my lines and dance steps, and still be recharged each day.  I have been having so much fun with the show.  It might not seem it some days because I'm so pooped, but I love learning the dance steps and moving around, singing and smiling.  The Village Players have been a real blessing to me.  They've gotten me back out of my shell and given me something to really look forward to again.  They've helped build my confidence level, something that has always been lacking.  For those of you reading, whether you live in town or not, please consider trying to see one of our shows, and if you can't, try to find your local community theatre and see what their schedule is.  We put so much time and love into these shows, and we do it because we want an audience.  We NEED an audience.  And its so much more fun than just spending the evening at the movie theatre.  And this is from someone who is obsessed with the movies.  If money is an issue, you are invited to come watch our last dress rehearsal on Thursday, March 4th, at 7:00pm for free.  Just let me know, and I'll make sure you get to see us.  I have rehearsal at 2:00 today and lots of stuff to do before then.  I'm so glad its beautiful outside today, it will definitely make the errands more pleasant.

my valentine.

Today is Valentine’s Day.  I realize I whine a lot and make fun of the day because I am single and it’s a bit depressing to have it rubbed in your face all day that your friends have found their “perfect” match and have someone to spend the evening with.  However, as bitter as I might seem, a part of me would love nothing more than to be able to have my own special someone to boast about and enjoy my evening with.  Now I don’t think you need a special day each year to be reminded you love someone (or in my case, have no one).  But I understand why people make a big deal of the day.  It is a rare thing to find someone that you can feel that way about and have in reciprocated in kind.  On days like this it doesn’t feel so rare only because you see it plastered all over facebook.  Several friends changed their profile pics to pictures of them and their honeys and my first reaction was to comment “bite me.”  But then I started thinking, “Gee, it sure would be nice.”  So in honor of this “Holiday” I’m going to tell you what I’m looking for. 

Now, I don’t expect him to be perfect, in fact I’d rather he not be.  I’d feel way too bad about myself and my imperfections if I had to love a perfect specimen.  What I would like first and foremost is a friend.  I want someone who can laugh at my stupid puns and cheesy jokes, someone who can understand my dry humor.  We need to enjoy each other’s company.  He needs to encourage me to try new things.  He needs to be willing to try new things himself.  I need someone who can get my off my ass and make me go explore the world with him, whether it be camping out in the hills or driving to a city I’ve never been to.  I need to connect with him on a mental level.  What I mean by that is a similar level of intelligence.  Nice and sweet is great, but if his favorite movie of all time is Rambo IV we might have a problem relating.  Another important thing for me, he needs to be able to be quiet with me.  It’s great being able to carry on a conversation for hours but I also like to read.  So if we can just co-exist in the living room, each with a book we are engrossed in, that would be great.  He should have a bit of a nerdy side and appreciate my nerdiness as well.  He needs to be able to debate with me about religion, politics, whether a movie was good or not, without feeling a disagreement is a bad thing.  There’s nothing wrong with disagreeing, its perfectly normal, as long as you respect one another. 

Okay, one more thing that is really, really important and quite frankly is deal breaker if it doesn’t exist.  I must be attracted to him.  This doesn’t mean he has to be muscular, have perfect skin and teeth, and taller than me.  This means when I look into his eyes I am affected.  When I think about him, I need to develop blush in my cheeks because he just does it for me.  I need to daydream about him when I should be getting my work done.  When I kiss him, all the blood should rush out of my head to where I feel I’m going to pass out.  It doesn’t matter how great friends you are, if you are too platonic.  Doesn’t work.  And he needs to feel the same way about me.  He needs to fantasize about me when he’s alone and (okay mom if you are reading you might want to skip this part J)  he needs to want to do naughty things to me when we are together.

Of course, if I manage to meet this guy, I will still be realistic.  I understand that nothing is perfect and there will be days when I will want to rip his head off.  As long as the days I want him are greater than the days I despise him, I’ll be happy.  In the mean time, I will do what I can to enjoy my single life while I can.  I will work on improving the things that could stand improvement.  I will be patient.  If he’s the right one, he will be worth the wait.  To those of you who have already found the right one, hold on to him or her and appreciate what you have.  Give them a kiss tonight and say thank you, even if today’s one of those days where you’d like to kill them.

let the sunshine in.

"In the glad springtime when leaves were green,
O merrily the throstle sings!
I sought, amid the tangled sheen,
Love whom mine eyes had never seen,
O the glad dove has golden wings!

Between the blossoms red and white,
O merrily the throstle sings!
My love first came into my sight,
O perfect vision of delight,
O the glad dove has golden wings!

The yellow apples glowed like fire,
O merrily the throstle sings!
O Love too great for lip or lyre,
Blown rose of love and of desire,
O the glad dove has golden wings!

But now with snow the tree is grey,
Ah, sadly now the throstle sings!
My love is dead: ah! well-a-day,
See at her silent feet I lay
A dove with broken wings!
Ah, Love! ah, Love! that thou wert slain -
Fond Dove, fond Dove return again!"   ~ Oscar Wilde

I am so glad the sun has finally come back out and the temperature outside has gone up.  As much as I love watching the snow fall, and as pretty as it is when its glistening in the trees, everything starts to feel a little too cold and dark when it lasts for more than a couple of days.  Constant snow tends to depress me more than even the rain does.  At least when its raining, when you step outside it feels like everything is getting cleaned and renewed.  With snow everything is just getting engulfed and hidden.  Snow is just messy.  My car is splattered with specks of mud.  All my shoes are spotted.  The sidewalk is just a pile of slushy mayhem. I have a solo in The Taffetas that reminds me of how I feel during the winter.

"It was winter when you told me you were leavin'
I cried, I cried, I cried "Please, don't go"
Came the springtime with its love song so deceivin'
I cried, oh, how I cried, no one will know

Then the summer came and went with no word at all
I knew that it was over as the leaves began to fall

Wintertime, summertime, spring and fall, it's true
I'll always be crying over you."

I am really looking forward to the spring.  Days when I can take Sherlock to the dog park and he not come back covered in mud.  Days when I can find a park bench and read out in the sun.  Days when I can go for a hike in the woods and hear the birds serenading me and see sun shining through the trees.  I'm looking forward to the day when I can leave the house without piling on five layers of clothing.  Putting on two pairs of pants, a undershirt, a shirt, and a sweater, socks, boots, gloves, scarf, and coat is a lot of effort just to go outside to get the mail or take Sherlock out at 2am because he insists he can't hold it.  One thing that has really helped me keep my mood high this winter is getting ready for this play.  Getting to spend my evenings singing all these light-hearted songs, being forced to keep a constant smile on my face, and working with these wonderful women, and of course Michael, has really cheered me up.  Of course, we missed a few rehearsals due to the weather.  Those evenings just weren't all the much fun.  Felt like I couldn't get up and out.  Had to stay in the house and just sit around.   I did manage to read a couple of books over the last few weeks.  I always enjoy reading, no matter the weather.  I wish I was a more eloquently spoken person, because I'd try to get a job where I can read books or watch movies all day long and then review them.  I can't think of a more relaxing way to spend my days.  I guess I'd probably miss being around people after a while.  Now that winter is finally starting to wear off, I can't wait to do a little more traveling around.  Head to KC to see my brother and sister-in-law.  Maybe go over to St. Louis, haven't been there in a LONG time.  Might even visit somewhere I've never been before.  I anyone wants to join me, let me know.

Zed's dead baby. Zed's dead.

    

Everyone, this is Quentin. 

Quentin is one of my favorite people. 

Here are some reasons why.

He created the bride.  

He doesn't let the chronilogical order of events limit him. 

    He can bring failing careers back to life.

He is a master of words.

                                               "Was that as good for you as it was for me?"  ~ Mr Blonde (Reservoir Dogs)

"Bless me, Father, for I have just killed quite a few men."  ~ The Mariachi  (Desperado)

        "You probably heard we ain't in the prisoner-takin' business; we in the killin' Nazi business. And cousin, business is a-boomin'" ~ Lt. Aldo Raine (Inglourious Basterds)

"Do you find me sadistic? You know, I bet I could fry an egg on your head right now, if I wanted to. You know, Kiddo, I'd like to believe that you're aware enough even now to know that there's nothing sadistic in my actions. Well, maybe towards those other... jokers, but not you. No Kiddo, at this moment, this is me at my most... masochistic." ~ Bill (Kill Bill vol. 1)
    
And he can make anyone look cool.

 



an evening of reminiscing

I've spent a majority of this evening going through an old box of things I've saved over the years.  There are photos from college, letters written me back in highschool that meant something at the time, little mementos from events I barely remember.  It's weird looking at some of the stuff, wondering, why did I keep this?  What was I not wanting to let go of at the time.  In the mix I found a letter from a friend of mine that I'd completely forgotten about.  He wrote me a letter because he was struggling with some decisions he was trying to make at the time, and thought putting them out on paper to a good friend would help him think through his choices.  He didn't expect any advice from me, no real response, he just wanted to share it with me.  I had an opinion for sure.  I thought he had the opportunity to make a great decision, but felt he was leaning toward a very bad option instead.  He wrote it during his senior of high school, one grade ahead of me.  And after his graduation and he went off to college, or wherever he ended up, I never kept in touch with him, so actually have no idea how his decision turned out.  I don't even remember his last name any more and after looking in the year book, I didn't find him listed.  He was never the type to show up for pictures so that doesn't surprise me, but my chances of tracking him down are pretty much gone.  A part of me isn't sure if I really want to know what he ended up doing.  It would be great if he chose plan A, but what if he'd chosen the more likely, and more damaging in my opinion, plan B, would I feel any better knowing about it?  It's not like I could help advise him now.  I think I'll just hope for the best and leave it at that. 

On a different note, I also came across some old poems I hadn't seen in a LONG time.  There's several that I'd forgotten I'd written, and at the time, they seemed so powerful, but now that I've moved on, they seem like someone else must have written them.  Here's a couple I found that were worth sharing.  Most of the ones I found were either love poems or "I'm sad, poor me" poems. 

1-10-2000 
After a long day and the sun has gone to rest,
I lay down on my bed and bring the sheets up to my chest.
Drifting off to sleep I begin to dream,
Entering the world where nothing's what it seems.
For, in my dreams I have the body that I want.
And in my dreams, I'm everything I'm not.
In my dreams, I can fall and not get hurt.
In my dreams, I can freely laugh and flirt.
I can be the person I want to be.
Everybody I love, all love me.
In my dreams, all my dreams have come true.
For in my dreams, I even have you.
In my dreams, I always know just what to say.
In my dreams, everything seems to go my way.
Then the sun awakes and I find myself lying in bed alone.
All the things I dreamed of are now gone.
I go to work and think of when I can go home
And start my dream again.

1995
I am the princess maiden warrior from the island to the west.
I am searching deep in the jungle to complete my final quest.
To seek the truth, find the treasure, and earn my precious prize.
To do what's right and kill all wrong and be carried to the skies.
(See, I've had my name a long time :) )

On a final note, here's a pic I found.  No way to explain it.



step aside Ted Williams...

For the last several years I've been told many times that i have a really great phone voice.  I've been told "you belong on the radio", "you could be a star" and "I totally thought you were an answering service".  Today someone told my manager at work that if I had a 1-900 number, he'd be a subscriber.  Of course, I'm not sure if I'm quite ready to talk dirty to strangers.  But there are other voice jobs out there besides 1-900-DIAL-A-HO.

I figure if  THIS GUY can get a job.


So, if any of you out there hear about a voice over need, please give me a call.  I am responsible, and do not require any sort of rehab.  You got a commercial that needs just the right soothing voice, I'm your gal.  Spread the word. 

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow!

10 Things to do When You are Snowed In:

10. Clean your home: I know.  That's why its number 10.  Be sure to do #s 1-9 to their fullest first.

9. View Every Page on the Web:  Let's face it.  On days like this, we become very acquainted with every blog we follow and whats going on with every celebrity on earth and seen every video on youtube.
8.  Turn on the Video Games:  Its about time you figure out how to beat Bowser at his own game. 
7. Play a Board Game: True, a lot of us are left alone on days such as this.  This just means you will finally win a game. Imagine the sweet deals you can give yourself while playing Monopoly against yourself. Note: This doesn't seem to work that well with Pictionary.

6.  Order Delivery:  It is far too dangerous to attempt to leave your house for food, so make someone else risk their lives so you can eat.  Its a wonderful part of being American! 

5. Watch TV: This is a great time to catch up on your dvr recordings and if you don't have anything saved?  The Price is Right is bound to be on.

4.  Catch up with your Reading:  This is actually one of my favorite things to do when snowed in.  Curl up with a good book and read it cover to cover.

3.  Take a nap:  Whether your with the one you love, or all by your lonesome, this is an excellent time to catch up on sleep without feeling too guilty about it.

2.  Go outside and enjoy the snow:  Be a kid again, lay down on the snow and make a snow angel.  Build that snowman.  Start a snowball fight with a complete stranger.  Just be sure to bundle up and not stay out there too long.  While you're out there grab a shovel and make a place for the dog to do his business.

1.  Make Hot Chocolate, turn on some soft music, open the blinds and just watch the snow fall:  It's not everyday nature makes such a beautiful scene, so enjoy it.

Black Swan

Darren Aronofsky has made some of the strangest movies I've ever seen.  Between Pi, his low-budget math movie,  and The Fountain, his weird tri-story about the search for a longer life, Aronofsky has covered some very unique subjects with some beautiful images and imaginative scripts.  Now that I've seen it, Black Swan has officially become my favorite of his films.  Aronofsky found the script ten years before the production started for the movie, and at first it was actually about a New York stage group and called "The Understudy.
"  But after talking to Natalie Portman who has wanted to do a story about dance for a while since she studied as a young girl, he decided to change it from theatre to ballet.  At one point, Aronofsky even considered mixing the plot of Black Swan with the plot for the wrestler, making it a movie about a ballerina and wrestler in love.  Not really sure how that would have gone. I'm glad this is what he ended up with.  Natalie Portman does some of her best work in the Black Swan.  Her character Nina is both timid and rigid and dark and troubled.  Nina has been preparing her entire life for this part as the Swan Princess, part White Swan, part Black Swan, good and evil.  Her mother had to give up her dancing career to give birth to her, so Nina has been raised to take over.  Her mother, played by Barbara Hershey, is demanding and over protective.  She treats Nina likes she's one of those porcelain dolls that is meant to be seen and not touched.  Once Nina gets the part she has a couple of obstacles she hadn't foreseen.  A hands on director who likes his leading women and an understudy, played by That 70s Show alumni Mila Kunis, that is brazen and better suited for the dark and sexier Black Swan part.   Until this movie, I didn't really think Mila Kunis can act, and she can.  I'm not entirely sure the lesbian scene was necessary, but I'm sure it helped with the main characters demise.  Nomination Status:  Cinematography, Leading Actress (Natalie Portman), Directing, Film Editing, and Best Picture.  The only one I so far picture this having a chance of winning is Leading Actress, but I agree it deserves the nominations.  I was sad to see a nomination in Makeup and Costume missing for this movie.  Of what I've seen, it's the best in both categories so far. 

perhaps.

The first time I met you, you caught my eye.

But it was unrealistic and I moved on.

As time went by, my mind kept going back to you.

I wasn’t sure what it was.  It was nothing.

Then I saw you again. , but this time was different.

This time you became a real person.

This time you were more than just that guy I met.

We became more than acquaintances, but not quite friends.

If circumstances were different, if we were not so far apart,

I might have pushed further.

But things as they are, they go as they go.

Now I’m not so sure of anything anymore.

Perhaps there is something where I thought nothing.

I feel like I don’t really know you, but yet know you.

I feel like I want to know the parts of you I don’t.

It’s so hard to know how you feel.

Perhaps you’ve never really noticed me.

Perhaps I am just that girl you met.

Than again, perhaps not.

and the nominees are....

The official Oscar Nomination came out this morning and I have to say, I don't think I've ever been less surprised by the selections.  Continuing the tradition from last year, there are ten Best Picture nominees again, and I've already seen 7 of the 10, so I'm in really good shape of my usual goal of seeing them all before the big night.  Now if 127 Hours can just have a wider release, I'm good to go.  I've already done a review for two of the ten, obviously planning on doing the other eight as well, but for now I wanted to just tell you what made me happy about the nominations.  First, I am extremely happy that Jesse Eisenberg is nominated for Lead Actor for his part in "The Social Network".  Movies with young stars tend to be tossed into the run of the mill blockbuster comedys and action flicks and not seen for what they can often be, pieces of art, giving us a glimpse of a bright future for film.  Eisenberg was excellent in that movie and is very deserving.  I haven't seen 3 of the other 5 actors, so I can't say he'll deserve the win, but I'm sure he'll pull his own.  I'm also thrilled to see a nod to Jeremy Renner for "The Town", and no, not just because he's a part of my nightly fantasies. *Note to Jeremy, I'm ready and willing to attend the awards with you if your mom isn't available that night* He did a great job in that movie and shined far above his co-stars in a role, tougher than I expected.  Annette Bening was nominated for Lead Actress in "The Kids are All Right."  I haven't done a review for that movie yet, so I won't go into to much detail, but WOW, you could have sworn that was her real personality it was so believable.  And as always, I am delighted that the Fargo Raising Arizona Lebowski Coen Brothers are nominated again.  True Grit is among their best work and I'm really excited for them.  Those guys deserve awards for just awesomeness in general.  I'm also happy to see that Inception is being nominated for some of the more technical awards, ie. Sound Mixing, Visual Effects, Cinematography, but none of the acting awards.  While HIGHLY entertaining and twisting and fantastic, the acting was so-so.  I love DiCaprio, he's very talented, but I wouldn't have called this his acting masterpiece, so I'm glad the academy was realistic on this one.  My only real disappointment was not seeing "The Black Swan" in the costume category.  While it might seem ballarinas are easy to dress, I really thought the choices were so proper for the movie's dark theme.  To sum up, I can't wait to see the rest of the films nominated. To see a full list of the nominations, click here.

going the distance

Last night I watched "Going the Distance" and there was a scene in the beginning that got me thinking.  It was the beginning of a relationship and the guy calls the girl and asks her if she'd like to catch a bite to eat with him.  She's got a sandwich in her hands that she had planned to eat, tosses it in the trash and says "yes" to the date.  I realized I used to do that kind of thing.  When I was younger, if I REALLY wanted a date with a guy and it wasn't working with my existing plans, I'd rearrange them just to make sure I could keep the date.  I can remember a time when a guy called and I had just finished eating dinner and he asked me to dinner, so I actually had a second, albeit smaller, dinner just to be able to go on the date.  I remember not feeling too well when I got home that night.  Was it worth it?  Well, don't recall dating that guy for much longer.  I also remember faking interest in things to get the guy I wanted interested in me.  "Oh sure! I'd love to go see the new Sylvester Stalone movie!"  "You want to watch wrestling?  Ummm okay? Sure!"  (Actually, I ended up enjoying that more than I thought, kind of like a soap opera where they beat each other up.) "Oh yes, I know all kinds of things about cars.  You can talk for hours about them if you want." (Sure I know all kinds of things about cars... I know cars have four wheels... and two pedals... a gas... and a brake...)  I'd like to think I'm much older (well not TOO much older) and wiser now at 32.  Sure, I'll try something you like.  I'll even be happy to sit next to you while you watch Nascar as long as you'll sit next to me while I watch Myth Busters.  But I won't fake interest.  If I've just eaten, I'll tell you, "Sorry, I just ate dinner, perhaps you can go ahead and eat and we can meet after?"  I guess it's just having more confidence in myself. But I will admit this.  If I have a sandwich in my hand and the right guy calls?  Sorry sandwich, you may meet Mr. Trash Can.  I'm only human :)

winter's bone

There has been a lot of buzz about the Sundance Film winner, The Winter's Bone.  Now that I've seen it, I see why.  It's a beautifully written story about a 17 year old girl living in the poor part of the Ozarks.  Ree's father, a meth manufacturer, is about to skip out on his bail.  Unfortunately, he used the homestead as collateral for his bail bondsman.  With a depressed mother who is no help at home and two young siblings she is determined to enter her dad's dark and trashy world to try to find him and make him show up to his court date.  We meet her extended family and her father's "associates" as she searches and discovers finding her father might be hard, because he might not be dead.  Ree is played by Jennifer Lawrence who is certain to get an Oscar Best Actress nomination.  Her character is both stubborn beyond her safety, and yet also timid and cautious.  She wants to know where her dad is, and knows that she could get hurt digging into his whereabouts.  For such a young and little experienced actress I was very impressed.  The rest of the cast of characters are all quite minor, but each powerful in their own way.  The movie was filmed in the Missouri Ozarks and shows a beautiful backdrop for the seedy place they live.  The people there are not particularly humane, they are almost animals just fighting for their own survival, not caring what they have to resign to to do it.  Debra Granik is a new writer and director, having only 2 other pictures to her credit according to IMDb.  After watching this, I want to see if I can track down the other two.  She definitely has high potential as an artist.  I predict a Oscar Best Picture, Best Direction, Best Actress, and Best Screenplay nomination in the future.

the race is about to start.

Last night I watched "The Social Network".  It won best picture at the Golden Globes last weekend, so it's pretty much guaranteed a spot in the Oscar race, so I thought I better check it out.  It wasn't at all what I expected.  I was picturing a party movie with a lot of flash and color, but it was actually a well organized story teller parallel to a court deposition regarding the creation of facebook.  I really didn't know much about the history of facebook, never seen an interview of Mark Zuckerberg the creator, so I don't know how accurate the story was or how go of a job Jesse Eisenberg portrayed his character, however I think both were done quite well.  The story was fluid and intriguing without being outlandish.  Eisenberg created a complete and complex character as Zuckerberg.  The awkward, unsocial, spastic nerd who would go into
"the zone" was unusual and yet believable.  The writing was wonderful.  Eisenberg's Zuckerberg took things literally and seemed to misunderstand any time someone said something ironically or metaphorically.  He had an odd smugness.  A "I am so smarter than everyone else in the room and I don't mind admitting it" attitude that seems proper for who Zuckerberg really is.  I think this movie has an excellent chance at Best Picture, Best Actor, and Best Screen Play nominations.  Based on what I have seen so far of the potential contenders, I'm not sure it will actually WIN any of these awards, but it has a fighting chance.

me

My graying hair.

My big feet.

The zits on my chin that never seem to go away.

My geeky glasses.

Scars on my legs.

The scale that tells me how much I weigh.

My warm smile.

My laugh.

A wit that can make anyone a friend.

My singing voice.

The way I listen.

Someone of which you can depend.

My secret wishes.

My dreams of what I can be.

How I feel on the inside.

These are all a part of me.

is it just me or do we have a doppelganger in our midst?

Exhibit A:

Friends with Benefits

Releasing July 2011

Mila Kunis - recently in Black Swan

Justin Timberlake - once a teen idol, now a 29 year old actor and favorite of SNL shorts

Weird Musical Moment - singing "Closing Time" while performing.

Exhibit B:

No Strings Attached
Releasing this weekend
Natalie Portman - recently in Black Swan
Ashton Kutcher - once a teen idol, now a 32 year old actor married to Demi Moore
Weird Musical Moment - making a "period tape" for his friend including songs, "Sunday Bloody Sunday", and "I've Got the World on a String"

Do you think the writers knew each other?  Anyways.  Even though there are some strong similarities, I want to see No Strings Attached and really have no interest in Friends with Benefits.  Go figure.

my thoughts on last weekend.

The last few days, when reading the news I have seen little else but the Arizona shooting that happened over the weekend.  I knew I wanted to comment about it on my blog but took some time to think about it before saying anything.  Shocking events are hard to digest sometimes.  Most of the articles I've seen have been about political retoric, crazy mugshot guy and his history of creeping people out, politician that died, politician in hospital, 9 year old girl dead, crazy kansas church wanting to protest the funerals (don't even get me started on those weirdos).  Today I read two articles that were quite different.  They were about heroes of the day.  And I wondered, why did I just read these today and not sooner.  Why did the media not focus on these positive moments.  I wanted to share them with you in case you didn't see them.  So you can see that humanity can be good.

It was supposed to be a nice, quick moment. A photograph to help commemorate an important event.

Mary Reed and her daughter, Emma McMahon, were only going to be there for a few minutes.

Emma, a Tucson high-school senior, had been a congressional page for U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords over the summer. But things had been so busy, she never got a photograph of herself with the congresswoman. Giffords inspired her, and she wanted the memory.  So, on Saturday morning, the two went to Safeway, where Giffords would be holding a "Congress on Your Corner," a meet-and-greet event. Also along were Mary's husband, Tom McMahon, and son, 13-year-old Owen. They were the second-to-last people in line to meet Giffords. Then everything changed. A gunman approached, shot Giffords in the head and kept on firing.  Mary didn't know exactly what it was when she first heard the noise, but she knew it was loud and bad. She knew she wanted to protect her daughter.  So, Mary pushed Emma up against the brick wall, cradling and covering her with her own body. "There was nowhere to go," she said.  Only when she was shot the first time did she realize what she was protecting her daughter against. "I knew what it was then," Mary said.  That's when she saw a man with a gun, 2 feet away.  "It was terrifying," Reed said. "But I had to save my daughter." Then, Reed was shot again. And shot again. But she didn't move. She couldn't expose Emma.  "Yes, a mama bear," Mary said.  Emma remembers hearing screaming and seeing people fall to the ground, and feeling the warmth of her mother pushing her against the wall.  About 6 feet away, she watched as two men wrestled the man with the gun to the ground, and as a woman grabbed the gun's magazine.  Then, almost as soon as it started, the crime was over. Emma was fine.  "My mom was so amazing," Emma said Monday after school, where she had attended a prayer service for the victims. "I am so grateful and amazed by her."  Reed says recovery will take a while, and remains amazed that none of the bullets or shrapnel hit a vein, artery, organ or bone.  It is not easy to consider yourself fortunate after being shot three times, but Mary does, she said, because her family is safe: "I'm very blessed."

The man had 17 stints in his heart, the arteries, over the years. He was kind of like our bionic man, he just kept going and going and going.  It turns out his heart had one more mission. When a gunman opened fire outside a Tucson grocery store, Dorwan Stoddard was there with his wife Mavy. As soon as they realized that what they were hearing were not fireworks, he threw himself on Mavy and forced her to the ground. Dorwan took three bullets while he was shielding his wife.  Mavy was his childhood sweetheart. A woman Dorwan reunited with and married in his 60's, a wife he cared for until the end. As soon as the shooting stopped, Mavy realized that Dorwan had been shot. She cradled him when he passed. They had maybe ten minutes. At that point I think he realized that she was OK and he left.

These two stories are great example of how much you can love someone.  Their instinct was to cover their family and take the hit. 

Something else I've noticed, while a lot of people are ready and willing to offer up prayers for the victims and their families, I think someone is getting forgotten.  When I read the statement the shooters parents made to the media, i stopped breathing for just a moment.  I hadn't even spent time thinking about what they were probably going through.  These people are completely heartbroken.  While I'm sure they were aware of the fact that their son might have been troubled and needed help, I have no doubt it didn't occur to them that he could be a danger to people.  I don't they could have even conceived of the possibility that he could do something like this.  They lost their son that day.  He might not be dead, but something tells me the son they thought they had is gone. I'm sure they are carrying a lot of guilt and shame with them as well.  How could they not?  When I consider which I'd rather be, the parent of one of the victims or a parent of the shooter, I think I'd chose the first.  As horrible as it is to lose a child in ANY way, discovering they are capable of such violence would seem to be the ultimate pain.  Please say a prayer for these people, I'm sure they need it.

Finally, I'd like to share a video.  Its a video that both my brother and my friend Chris have already shared on facebook.  It is probably the best response I have seen in the media for this event.  Jon Stewart made a wonderful speech at the beginning of his show. 

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-january-10-2011/arizona-shootings-reaction