It's been a little while since I last posted. There a couple of reasons for that. For starters I've been really really busy with the Village Players. I some how found myself agreeing to being Production Manager for a summer show I had originally said I wouldn't be involved in because I needed the break. I just hate seeing something struggling. The last thing I want is for our theatre group to have a failure and after no one showed up for the first auditions I was quite frightened that that was exactly what it was going to become. We have only about 10 days left, so I will hopefully get my break soon.
I've also been busier at work. I was moved from one branch to another back in December and I have gotten swamped. There are still some days where I am caught up with my work, but I spend that time trying to figure out train some of the newer employees, how to make learning the new system easier since no one bothered to update our guides when they completely changed the program we use. I am not entirely happy in my job right now. That doesn't mean I'm planning my escape quite yet, but it does mean my days feel much much longer and tiring. Before I was moved from the previous branch, I was working with a really good friend, someone who helped bring brightness into myself and help me at my best. She challenged me, expected more of me than others because she knew I was capable of it. I really miss that. I'm not saying I don't work with lovely people. I enjoy having conversations with the ladies I work with now. I just don't feel that "growth" I had before. I also don't feel like my current supervisors have the same amount of confidence in me. At first I figured they just needed to get to know me and see what I was capable of, but now that time has passed, I'm not sure they are paying attention. Or maybe I've not been the same. I think I give it my all, but maybe I'm not.
For those of you who have known me for years it is probably starting to become evident to you the last and probably most vital reason I haven't blogged lately. I have entered quite a grand depression. I've had a history of this ever since I hit puberty. My poor parents, when I was a teenager, couldn't for the life of them figure out why I was so moody sometime. I was raised in a good family, I had everything I needed in things, a place to live comfortably, people to rely on. I know a part of it is a chemical thing, but it's also my surroundings. If I have enough stressing me out it comes and it comes big.
When I lived in Texas I dealt with my depression with food, smoking, playing video games, sleeping a lot during the day. When I left Texas to move to Arkansas I was twice the size I was when I graduated from highschool. After living in Arkansas for a while, I went to my doctor and ask to be put on medication. First she put me on Zoloft. Doctors are never quite sure what meds to start you on first for depression, they all effect different chemicals in your brain and they don't really have a good way of knowing which ones need to be messed with. Zoloft for me was like the devils pills. I very very quickly turned into this crazy person that would scream and cry for no reason and I even began abusing myself. The climax of that medication happened on a trip to San Antonio with my brother and his wife. We were going to help celebrate my grandmother's birthday. On the way there I was so out of it I spent about 20 minutes in a bathroom at a restaurant while my family waited out in the car. While in there slammed myself repeatedly into the walls till I hurt everywhere outside and could no longer feel on the inside. That might seem crazy, and it is, but it was the medication. Mess with the wrong chemicals in your brain and it can make you far far worse. When I got home from that trip I called my doctor and she told me to immediately stop taking the medication. Within a week I was back to normal again. She wanted to start me on something else in a month or so but it took me about 2 years to get the courage up to actually try something else. What if I hadn't been smart enough to realize there was something seriously wrong with me and that I needed to get off those meds? What if the next medication caused me to do the unspeakable. It took me a long time to be willing risk that. Finally when I was ready she put me on something else and it worked quite well. I had a lot more energy. I started taking better care of myself. I started the Nutrisystem and lost 80 lbs. I was jogging. I got involved in the Village Players because I was more comfortable with my body and felt like I wanted to start singing in front of people again. I stayed on that medication for a good amount of time until my doctor suggested it might be time i ween myself off. Things continued to go quite well after that. I started entering back into the dating world that I hadn't been much of a part of in a while. I enjoyed buying clothes I thought I looked nice in. I went out with friends more. Ever since I went off the meds, I have only had the occasional day a month where I might be a little down. Typically that was the day before my monthly cycle, so no shocker there. And even on those days it wouldn't be the whole day, just a few moment here or there. I don't know what's different about this time. At first I thought it was the same, just a day of gloomy and I'd be up and ready to go the next day. Next day came and I was still down. etc etc. Now its been about two months. There have been a couple of not so happy things that have happened in that time, but I'm not sure they are involved. Someone I am really close to has been going through I really tough time and I've been worrying about him a lot lately. I have another friend that has a child that is really sick and I've been thinking about them a lot. I've even tried doing little things to boost my mood like going to Joplin and spending a day with the pups, but driving through the destruction just destroyed any job I really got out of helping. I don't think a day has gone by in at least 2 weeks that I haven't just suddenly started crying. I for the most part keep it under wraps during the day when I'm around people. But it has to be showing by now. I'm hoping my blogging about it will help me figure out a way to move on. I also know keeping it to myself just hasn't helped any. I know there are people that care about me and how I am doing and would want to know what's going on. I know this will pass. I know there's an end to my state. I am not hopeless or anything like that. Just worn out. Really really tired. I feel like I could lay down stay in bed for weeks, not that that would be helpful of course. Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow, I'll have a boost of energy and things will be better. I have considered going back to my doctor again, but a part of me would like to conquer this once and for all without the help of drugs. I hate relying on that.
